Half Empty Bed
by Evilstrawberry
Summary: A little fic about being lonely.


Half Empty Bed

The door clicks shut and sneaking foot steps fade quickly into the distance, trying not to wake and hoping no one will hear.

Opening eyes that only showed the pretence of sleep and glancing, once again, at the empty space beside her Jemme lets out a gently sigh and rolls over prepared for another night alone. Thoughts stumble through her tired mind.

It isn't every night. At least he cares at all. She even almost always believes him when he says_, I love you. _She knows of many women who can't even say that. She should be thankful for what she does have, not mourning what she doesn't.

But it's hard to share the love of a person you devote every part of yourself to. A person you'd do anything for and who sometimes you think could feel the same, given a chance. It's more painful then she ever thought it would be to know they are together and know that at that moment not a thought of her is passing through his mind.

Jemme opens her eyes once again and stares blankly towards the roof, sleep eluding her tonight. On good nights she has almost no problems focusing on other things. She hasn't had a sleepless night in a long time.

But his presence makes it that much harder. Him normally being away from the palace means that she can forget how much it all hurts and push from her mind the hard truths she'd rather not face. She can simply not think about it and focus her attention of something else.

Even when he comes back alone it's easier then now. When he returns by him self Jemme can pretend for a short while that he belongs to her completely. She can feel happy in the fact that she is the only person kissing him and feeling his skin against her own. She can enjoy all the special moments that are normally ruined by her own treacherous mind. By thoughts of, does she hold him like this too? Does he feel the same with my kisses?

But when he brings her with him, that's when it becomes so much harder. When it's sneaking off in the middle of the night while he think's she's asleep. When it's secret meetings, stolen kisses and having to see them together, having to watch and know that he really does love her too. When it's not being able to escape the thought that right now he is in bed with her. When it's sharing the love of a person you want so badly but know you can never have to yourself. That's when she finds it hard to sleep at night.

Giving up on sleep Jemme slides herself out of bed and pads over to her desk, lighting candles as she goes. Her hands find the familiar hiding place and pull out a much read letter.

_Jemme,_

_I'm so sorry… I care so much about you… I hate what I'm doing to you and I hate that I can't make it all better. I want to be able to tell you what you want to hear, make you all happy and give you all the love that you deserve. We both know I can't. _

_I never wanted you to think that you weren't enough to make me happy, it was never like that. You are so amazing and more then I could ever ask for. _

_But this can't keep happening. It's not fair on you…it hurts too much…_

_I'll stay away for now…leave you alone to make it easier. I'm heading south soon anyway then I'm allowed home for a while, so you wont have to hear from me.. _

_Please know that this isn't because anything has changed or because of anything that has happened. I just need to end this, to make things right. _

_This will be that last you'll hear from me._

Jemme finishes reading and stares tiredly at the parchment. The most recent of a long list of attempts to end this. To make things right. To leave Jemme for good and devote himself completely to his wife.

But it, like all the rest, has fallen through.

The initial rejection hurts for a while. Not as much as the first time. Or the second. But still, it hurts. Because there's always the thought that maybe this time he'll be strong enough to not come back to her. She hides the pain and moves on with her life and at first when he returns they maintain a level of normality.

However, old habits die hard. Old loves even harder. A painful glance across a room. A whispered, _can we talk? _Nothing but innocent intentions and before either of them knows it and they're back to where they were before. Another now meaningless letter, another long and tangled saga to live out.

Jemme places the letter back in it's spot and walks towards her bed, sudden tiredness overwhelming her. She doubts she'll get much sleep tonight though, regardless of how tired she feels. Not bothering to put out the candles she flops down onto her sheets. She turns to face the wall so as not to have to look at the half of her bed which should be occupied by the man she loves and tries to force her thoughts away from where she knows he is now. Pulling the blankets up around her shoulders she settles in for a sleepless night in her half empty bed.

_Author's Note: Although I make no apologies, because I believe this a learning experience and you shouldn't apologies for something when you're just giving it a go, I have noticed that my writing unfortunately did not get better with age. So while I don't think this is so bad for my first piece of writing in almost 2 years… it's not so great either (slightly more melodramatic then I would have hoped…) So once again I hint points to review button, constructive criticism is always much appreciated. _

_Also, after reading this back to myself I can't pin point what exactly makes it a TP fan fic, except for the fact that in my mind it's played out in a room at the palace in Tortall. __My character, Tammy's world.__ So if anyone was wondering, that's why it's here. _

_Thank you for reading : ) _


End file.
